If Donald Trump Wrote the Gettysburg Address

So, a bunch of years ago — like, a really, long time ago, so long ago you can’t even believe how long ago it was, America started right here, on this very spot. And look around — what a crowd, what a turnout here at Gettysburg today, though you won’t see anything about that in the fake news like the failing Chester County Times, who are so determined to make me look bad that all they’re going to show are the piles of dead bodies and stuff all over the place, when really there aren’t so many, when you think about it. It’s not as bad as World War II, in which the Kurds didn’t help us at all, by the way.

But these guys who started America, a bunch of tremendous guys, real winners, knew that this place could make a lot of money. Billions and billions of dollars, even though I’m not even sure they could count that high, because my brain is bigger than theirs. I mean, I know winning, and those guys, Jefferson and Jackson and Preston Brooks and the rest, they were winners who really wanted to drain the swamp and believe me, we’re going to make America great again in their memory.

And even though it’s sad that so many people died to make such a great nation — I mean, Jeff Davis, a good friend of mine, is a great guy, a really smart guy, and there are great guys on both sides, both abolitionists and slaveholders — we’ve talked and we’re going to take care of our veterans, believe me — though, let me say it again, after consultation with my Generals and military experts, we’re not going to do anything for Kady Brownell or Frances Clayton or Sarah Edmonds or any of those nasty women who tried to take jobs away from our nation’s fighting heroes, which, by the way, they flirted with me all the time, consciously or unconsciously.

No one will ever forget what I said here, because it’s probably the most important speech ever, but believe me, when I say this war is almost over, I mean it. We’re going to take care of the Democrats. And we’re not going to let the politically correct loser liberals say that slavery was wrong because what they’re really trying to do — believe me, I know this, I can’t say how, but trust me, I know it — they’re just trying to take credit away from all the black people who helped make America great. I love black people, look how hard they work in the cotton fields! So pretending that they were forced to make America great and didn’t do it out of love for this great country is just more fake news, because look how great our economy is right now. Our military did an amazing job, and I think the best way we can show our gratitude for their great sacrifice is to wear these commemorative “Make Gettysburgh Great Again” hats, which you can buy over by the last mass grave on the left. These great hats will look especially good hanging on the crosses that mark the graves of our great patriots, don’t you think? I do. And I’m the President, not you.

Thanks again for the great turnout, probably the greatest funeral crowd in history, and God Bless America, but mostly me.

*This article is a satire, which is a form of humor. Humorous speech is protected by the United States Constitution.