Welcome to the Official President Donald Trump Theme Park!
“There’s no reason President Trump, for instance, couldn’t create a for-profit Trump world, a MAGA mega resort in Florida, to compete with the other attractions in Orlando and bring his millions of diehard fans to Trump world to pay to see Trump family members, to sort of serve as a rallying point for his movement as it goes forward.”
… Journalist Garrett Graff on NPR’s “Fresh Air,” November 12, 2020
“Welcome to President Donald Trump’s Greatest Most Amazing Fantasyland Park of Permanent Happiness and No Electoral Losses at All!™
“First, we’ll stop at the Hall of Fundamentalists. Here, you can watch lifelike recreations of some of America’s greatest religious oppressors, from founder of American theocracy John Winthrop all the way to Jerry Falwell, Jr., who imposed a three-second time limit on hugs at Liberty University while getting off on watching his wife have sex with another man.
“Moving on, you can enjoy the Pirates of the Education Department ride, where you will delight in pillaging and looting public education funds and redirecting them to private charter and religious schools owned by your friends.
“Next up, stop by our Shithole Countries Pavilion, where guides dressed as United States Border Patrol agents will provide tours of our state-of-the-art detention facilities. Your family will rejoice as you together watch “agents” rip small children from the arms of their parents.
“By this time, you will probably want to stop for lunch at one of the many fast food restaurants at the park, where you can refresh yourself with thousands of calories of empty carbs. At President Donald Trump’s Greatest Most Amazing Fantasyland Park of Permanent Happiness and No Electoral Losses at All™ there is always plenty of KFC to go around!
“After that, the best place to go is peaceful Small Pandemic World. Get your own custom-embroidered ventilator or nap in the silent corridors of the cold storage facilities holding corpses from around the world.
“And for the kids, there’s always the Haunted White House, where children will especially delight in the beautiful Christmas displays created by First Lady Melania Trump. There’s no war on Christmas here! Tremble before the majesty of blood-red Christmas trees and the chilling shadows of twig trees in the dark hallways of the People’s House. Don’t be surprised if Steve Bannon or Stephen Miller pop out of a dark corner to scare you to death!
“Those interested in a more realistic ride can take a spin on the Cabinet Rotor, which simulates the experience of working in President Donald Trump’s administration. Whether you are appointed Secretary of Defense or Chief of Staff, just wait until the nausea hits you in the furiously spinning cylinder, all while the floor drops out from beneath you. This ride can last anywhere from three days to nine months. Visitors to the park can also choose the shorter Be President Trump’s White House Press Secretary! ride.
“Regain your footing at the Deep State Shooting Gallery, where everyone in the family gets to choose their own semi-automatic weapon and will enjoy hunting for potential enemies, including both government officials and citizen protestors. Atheists, Democrats, and Black Americans are also fair game. At the end of the day, the guest with the highest kill count wins a free trip to North Korea.
“Finally, no day at President Donald Trump’s Greatest Most Amazing Fantasyland Park of Permanent Happiness and No Electoral Losses at All™ would be complete without stopping by the “Make America Great Again”™ Proud Boys Jamboree. Unite with other Western Chauvinists and march down Trump Street USA to the beat of the misunderstood lyrics of “Killing in the Name” by Rage Against the Machine. You will have the opportunity to purchase your own stick-on hipster beard or housewife’s apron if you don’t already have one, but sorry folks, this ride is BYOW (Bring Your Own Weapon). White hood optional.
“And don’t forget: Throughout the day, members of the Trump family in their traditional costumes will be strolling through the park for “meet and greets” and photo opportunities!*
“As you can see, there’s something for everyone at President Donald Trump’s Greatest Most Amazing Fantasyland Park of Permanent Happiness and No Electoral Losses at All™!
So, what are you waiting for? Bring the family and experience life in President Donald Trump’s America, a place where everyone is welcome!**
*Admission to the park does not include the cost of photos with the First Family but visitors can choose from a range of purchase options, from the $500 “Ivanka Gold-Plated Experience” to the $50 “Settle for Eric” package.
**Except for nasty women, bad guys, and Mexican criminals and rapists, which basically means all Mexicans, amirite?”